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PHD. MBA. MHS. Type rated on A350, A330, B777, B747-400, B747-200, B757, B767, B737, B727. International Airline Pilot / Author / Speaker. Dedicated to giving the gift of wings to anyone following their dreams. Supporting Aviation Safety through training, writing, and inspiration. Fighting for Aviation Safety and Airline Employee Advocacy. Safety Culture and SMS change agent.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Aviation Humor

Truth is funnier than fiction!

ATC: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

These are the good ole days!

What is the best you've ever heard? 

Enjoy the Journey!
XOX Karlene


  1. One of the funniest ones I've heard was in Maiquetía Airport (CCS / SVMI) from a local traffic reporting to ground:

    "Ground, Venezolana 275 with canine in sight and, as far as I know, dogs don't have wings..."

    1. Lol... I love this! Many years ago (before SEA was fenced) my mothers dogs got out and found their way to the airport. An Alaska pilot she knew called her and said, "They're sending planes around. Your dogs are on the runway!" They were Great Pyranese.

  2. True story - on a certain blue LCC on a flight from STL - MCI

    Before take off - Captain: "We have some of the best flight attendants in the industry - unfortunately - none are on this flight - just kidding! We have incredible cabin crew".

    One hour later after a particularly rough crosswind landing - flight attendant: "Please remain in your seats while Captain Kangaroo taxies what is left of the aircraft to the terminal - and - I'm not kidding!".

    1. I love this. Yes... never diss the Flight Attendants. They have a PA. And get even.

    2. On a recent late night Delta flight to DFW, after a really hard landing that would wake a dead person, a flight attendant improvised her announcement: "be careful when opening overhead bins, as I am sure luggage has shifted". I was thinking the captain was probably behind the locked door, too shy to see us deplaning. To my surprise, the captain standing at the cockpit door, smiling to everyone. And NOBODY was commenting on landing to him.

    3. Funny. And there shows the power of attitude and confidence. Or fear... "if he could do that to an airplane, what could he do to me?" Ahhh! Thanks for sharing the humor!

  3. While flying medevacs in a Cessna Conquest 441 in Thompson, Manitoba, Canada, we had completed our flight and were taxiing to our hangar.

    Skyward 922: Thompson radio, Skyward 922 looking to taxi from the south apron to the north apron.

    Thompson Radio: Skyward 922, taxi your discretion.

    Skyward 922: Roger, Skyward 922 taxiing discreetly

    Thompson Radio (in an Elmer Fudd Voice): Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet.

    1. Lol. And this proves that there is a great sense of humor everywhere.

  4. "Seattle, this is Skywest, we have the traffic in sight, he's moving behind us now."
    "Roger, Skywest, expect higher in about thirty seconds."
    "Okay, just letting you know he's no factor."
    "I know, but I need five miles or I don't get a paycheck."

    Strictly inside the Seattle Center facility:

    Controller: So, Horizon and Alaska here are basically stacked. Do I need to do anything to separate them on the descent?
    Trainee: could slow Horizon and turn him out, then back in, and keep Alaska high and fast for a while.
    Controller: Correct. I also would've accepted "yes."

    "Seattle TRACON will be here around noon for the meeting."
    "I brought my boxing gloves."

    "You were almost sounding like a controller until you weren't."

    "So pilots shouldn't be requesting 12,000 but they can request the altitude restriction to be waived. And we can clear them direct to avoid that altogether."
    "They should have been cleared to sequester."

    1. Christine, I knew you would have the best!! That insider knowledge... is awesome. Truth is funnier than fiction for sure.

  5. LMAO!

    Funniest I ever heard, in the "if it's not true it oughta be," is the one about a female controller replying to an airplane's request for lower, but blocked by a Shorts 330 below it:

    "Stand by for lower. I've gotta get my Shorts down before I can fit you in."

    1. Lol!!! Yes... this is great! I should add mine below. I've got a couple.

  6. The first day that the new "position and hold" phraseology went into effect, I heard this at SNA:

    ATC: "Southwest 123, runway 19R, line up and wait"
    Long pause
    SW123: "What is this, Disneyland?"

  7. And another from Kathy....
    So, coming in to ANC for the second week in a row with an emergency, the controller recognized my voice...hey, weren't you here with an emergency last week?

    Yes, that was me.

    If you have another one next week it's my birthday and you're invited to my party!

  8. And another from Dr Judith O'Malley-Ford :

    Tower: "Kilo India Delta. please confirm your height and position.

    Rookie, light aircraft pilot in training:
    "5 foot 10, and seated at the controls."

  9. Taxing out at SeaTac many years ago, the tower asked Braniff if they had the Alaska 727. There was a pause, and a Southern drawl... said, "Uhhhh ya mean the bird with the ".... Airline" Flight Attendant on the Tale?"

  10. In the 1990s,before 9-11 ruined everything,the aircrew of a Britannia Airways B757 found out that 2 of their passengers returning to Glasgow from their summer vacation were the Mother & Father of one of the Air Traffic Controllers working Scottish Airways at Prestwick.
    With a little help from all concerned,it was a treat to hear this little old crackling,faltering voice announce his impending arrival."Britannia 123B is with you,er,passing flight level...."
    Above average pause...
    "Britannia 123B,roger,er,Holy **** is that you Dad?

    1. John, those were the days. We always found a way to have a little fun. I keep saying, "These are the good ole days." But reality is... those were. Thank you so much for the comment.


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